This gem just landed in the inbox. Remember when you thought serving SMBs would be cool?

From: [REDACTED] Subject: SEO

Message Body:
I do not mean to waste anybody’s time, nor do I wish to ask a taxi to drive me home for free, I have questions and spend countless hours thinking I have something figured out only to realize after spending a night on what I thought was the way to Los Angeles and wondering why I am in New York. I do appliance repair in [CITY REDACTED], I have exhausted endless nights trying to get something going on the free sites such as merchant circle, blogger, etc. now after about two years of spending endless nights learning stuff, I have found word press was working until Google made their change and what I did have on the first page has disappeared, surfacing on the fourth or fifth page and I realize I am really just a butcher that has no idea how to trim a cow to get the most meat. I’ll apologize now, because this is starting to feel like another one of my novels and I do not know how to just get to the point I guess, such as my business is appliance repair in [CITY REDACTED], I am a service technician that can repair any make any model appliance in any home If I may, is it better to target refrigerator repair [CITY REDACTED] or does appliance repair [CITY REDACTED] cover refrigerator repair [CITY REDACTED] better? I have been using word press and targeting the high-end appliances because I make more money repairing a Viking Range Refrigerator Repair [CITY REDACTED] or Sub-Zero Repair [CITY REDACTED]so I’ll spend a entire night trying to make a blog look like a webpage and as I said I am self taught and have, in my mind done well being a SEO Butcher that is until Google did whatever they did I used H1, H2, H3 the title in H1 would be Viking Certified Refrigerator Repair [CITY REDACTED] then I’d do it in H2 Viking Certified Refrigerator Repair [CITY REDACTED] then I’d go H3 below it Viking Certified Refrigerator Repair [CITY REDACTED] I’d even go as far as the first sentence in Paragraph Viking Certified Refrigerator Repair [CITY REDACTED] and then Leon Seserman would try and write something decent to get my 300 words using Viking Certified Refrigerator Repair [CITY REDACTED] throughout the 300 word page. I would add pictures of beautiful kitchens equipped with Viking appliances and I use Viking Certified Refrigerator repair [CITY REDACTED] for the picture title and the alternate title as well. I even went as far as listing Viking Certified Refrigerator Repair [CITY REDACTED] at the bottom of the page a line in Italic, one underlined, one bold, one in each H1, H2, H3 so at the bottom of the page I’d have it listed like six times in a row and then I would make the text color white on a white background so it was not noticeable to most people, I hoped anyway, That is how I labeled myself a SEO Butcher because within three days on average I’d see Viking Certified Refrigerator Repair [CITY REDACTED] on the first page anywhere from 3 days to a week it would be first page or it was not going to make it to the first page and I figured that one got busted. Honestly I must have written a hundred probably two hundred blogs that way over the two years or so, which worked enough that I’d get two calls a day maybe average six or eight calls a week off the word press. I hope you haven’t fallen asleep or just tired of this novel I always read about links how important they would become but could not really figure them out I’d link my main website to the blog in the text I’d have a ling and on the side bar another link going to my main website [URL REDACTED] and I would link my blog the same way [URL REDACTED] even my webpage’s [URL REDACTED] and [URL REDACTED] the four links I just listed a webmaster did for me he designed the main site and the blog and he just like made the other two a webpage at the address but all the other pages send you to az home appliance repair He has really helped me so much that I feel like an ass asking him to teach me his business it just is not right and writing this novel to you is not really right either but I have gone as far as I can night after night and so other technicians that need a webmaster I tell them to hook up with chris, which he thought would get me upset but nobody likes to work for free unless they are volunteering. I spent all this time trying not to associate all these blogs except for the mentioned links and I am not even sure if those are the type of links everyone is talking about. Now I am trying to build a web presence after staying anonymous all that time, now I spend endless night trying to become a expert in my field trying to use face book, Google plus and twitter writing blogs. I am going nowhere fast and to top it off, this is being honest all this has been and see I have a novel and really haven’t accomplished anything but shown you how desperate I’ve become. I don’t have the money required to pay a professional and in 2012 I spent 5 months in a county hospital with Phosphine Toxicity or agent orange but not from Vietnam I got it from welding in compressors when I use a torch to weld the compressor the residue of the Freon is phospine poisoning I was breathing and after 40 years it took its toll, to top that off two weeks after they released me from my 5 month stay I fell down a flight of stairs and while in the hospital from that they gave me some drug that killed me, seriously I laid dead for twenty some minutes while my wife watched and the doctors scrambled doing CPR breaking 7 ribs and I spent two weeks in a coma before I came to then I could not do anything could not even put a fork in my mouth I talked as if I was retarded it was awful to say the least so I lost everything my home cars service truck even my bike my wife had to move in her daughters and I finally got to move into a shed in the backyard of a family I met because they had no air conditioning last summer and I fixed it for free they found out I was sleeping in my truck and they offered their work shed behind their trailer. I am desperately trying to come back up and lost my truck for driving on a suspended license I don’t know why I am crying on your shoulders or if your even still reading I am just hoping I might find information, someone that will just point me in the right direction and I have managed to write a book just as I feared and for that I apologize sincerely I do. [NAME REDACTED] has been great and has left my website up even though I haven’t paid him for the last year which I am thankful for but I cannot ask him to do more for me when he has done so much so I turn to a stranger hoping you can feel I am being honest and not just pounding sand and maybe you can give me a few tips or point me in the right direction, if for no other reason than you do not want another book sent to your e-mail If you live in [CITY REDACTED] or know someone that does and they have no air conditioning or a broken fridge I would certainly do the labor at no charge long as they bought the necessary part. My name is [NAME REDACTED], I use the name [NAME REDACTED] on the internet and say he is my brother he’s the boss, really I don’t even know what I am asking you to do for me, but if you can give me your expertise and maybe write me a book telling how to do it because the SEO Butcher is not working anymore and you are the lucky person I felt the energy to ask, I guess this is a little more that drop you a line but if your too busy or it just doesn’t appeal to you, I understand really I do I am just asking for your knowledge I do want to find an ending for this book , I don’t even remember your name, sorry but either way I hope everything is great for you and your family and may all your dreams come true. I thank you for listening, Godspeed Good night well Good Morning again thanks, [NAME REDACTED] aka [NAME REDACTED]

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11 Response Comments

  • Dan Leibson  February 5, 2014 at 9:59 am

    Work for SMBs they told me. You would be helping the little guy they told me. They are idiots! 😉

  • Phil Rozek  February 5, 2014 at 12:17 pm

    I love how he says “…this is starting to feel like another one of my novels” about 9% in.

  • Andrew Shotland  February 5, 2014 at 12:25 pm

    Every sentence is like a mini-novel

  • John Allen  February 6, 2014 at 5:57 am

    Wow, he did ask you to drive him home for free.

  • John  February 6, 2014 at 7:55 am

    I wish I had a magic button that made that letter replace the copy on all of the “get rich quick” local seo info-product sales pages.

  • Mike Bayes  February 6, 2014 at 8:18 am

    So… are you going to help him? 😉

  • Phil Rozek  February 12, 2014 at 5:40 pm

    I’d have a beer with him.

  • Scott Gouger  April 17, 2014 at 10:21 am

    Your just a punk, it is that simple, a human being e-mails a heartless prick such as yourself and the small balls you must fondle nightly have nothing better to do than make fun of someone asking a simple question. First off, it shows your not a good person and I’d venture to say your a phony Christian, a real piece you must have been abused your entire life. I can say with certainty the grace you have been granted by above shall be retracted and you’ll find yourself writing a similar e-mail in hopes of climbing out of the grave you dug for yourself. Your a PUNK but the guy should have realized that by your picture, Hell is just perfect for people like you, have fun dealing with yourself.
    Scott Gouger

    • Andrew Shotland  April 17, 2014 at 10:35 am

      +1 Scott. FYI I am Jewish, but that’s the same thing as a phony Christian right?